"Let It Go" is a hellllllllllla good song.
Last night, Kendra came over to drop off food for me. I’ve never really talked to her before, maybe a passing “hi” and that was about it. She caught me off guard the few nights before when I was walking home by myself. I invited her inside, not really sure what to expect. We talked about our purpose in life, college, God. She told me she had depression (which, I would have NEVER expected/guessed) and I told her that even when surrounded by so many great people, I still feel drained and lonely. College makes everyone feel that way at some point.
I’m really thankful for the people who randomly come into my lives, at seemingly perfect times. Like the day Jack asked me to meditate with him or Kendra stopping by. This week has been hard, but just like everyone else, I’ll get through it.
I went over to Emily’s place tonight. Someone told me I should stop caring so much. So I will.
After today, I won’t give a shit about certain things in people’s lives. I will continue to care about the people I love, but not about the things they do.
I always go back to the piano. I really do miss it, and a lot of the times when I’m playing, it brings back memories. I clearly remember the different times I’ve played my senior year.
Today was weird. In the back of my head, I would think about the conversation last night. At the same time, great things kept happening that pushed me away from thinking about him.
Hung out with Nathan who my mom thinks is adorable. He really is a sweet guy.
Then Jom made me hot chocolate really randomly and for the first time ever, I reached out to hug him. It was awkward the moment I touched him but then we both laughed it off.
I’m really happy to see Jom happy. I’m really happy to see him with a girl who can fully appreciate him. My brother is a good guy.
The USSR documentary was depressing, to say the least.
I wouldn’t want to go back to being a child. Sure life is carefree, but being where I am now, at the age of 19? I can read books, I can have conversations. I can do what I want, when I want. I’m honored and privileged with an education. My parents trust me, I have friends.
Everyone in the documentary grew up, and everyone ended up with a dead end job. The mindset for so many of them was, “Life is hard and expensive”. I don’t know, I guess that was what used to be my problem with life. You grow up, go to school, end up with a job, start a family, die. None of them kept up with their dreams or goals. Everything kind of just withered away once they had kids.
Life shouldn’t be like that. It’s easier said than done, but people should really learn to live. Everything people do nowadays seems to be for their kids rather than for themselves. Don’t you want to go exploring? There’s more to life than work, but you need to work to get money, you need money to survive. Meh meh meh.
Courtni says if you think that way, your life will become that way. I try not to think like that but sometimes, especially after seeing that documentary, it’s reality for so many people in the world.
I haven’t written in my moleskine in a while.
This morning, I thought about how much I’ve grown as a person. Above all, I’ve learned the importance of being kind. Of being sympathetic.
I’m a selfish person, and I know that. To some extent, everyone is. I held a “I’m a lot better than you” sort of mentality in high school.
College was a wake-up call. There are people who are smarter than me, people who are much more kind, and people who are beautiful.
There are days when I’m completely off track. The days I get annoyed with Sean or the days I beat myself up. Sometimes I fall into thinking, “what if I was prettier?” or “how great would it be if I was smarter?” But at the end of the day, I realize this is the happiest I have ever been.
I’m a lot more appreciative. Those 5 seconds we’re gliding through the water, I realize how beautiful the world is. How lucky I am to be me.
Last night when Joanne cried, we talked about how different our mindsets are from one another. Courtni is extremely optimistic, whereas Joanne and I are either in the middle or at the opposite end. But the fact that we get along so well, that comes from how kind we are. I couldn’t, ahhh, I just can’t explain it. I’m just so incredibly thankful.
My mommy texts me a lot about her everyday life. Daddy will send me occasional picture messages of me as a baby/our house. Dad and I don’t talk very often while I’m at school, but I know he loves me very much.
No matter what happens, I know things will be okay because there are people who love me and who will support me in everything I do.
This morning when I got home from practice, Courtni and I saw each other, didn’t say a word, made our creepy smeagol faces, and started laughing. It’s the kind of friendship that makes me really thankful for all the great things I have in life. Then later I sat on top of her while we talked about nothing and I just thought again about how much I fucking love my best friend.
I’m sitting in this tiny bathroom, laptop on my lap, just…thinking. It seems like a good day to write a blog post.
After practice, I sat down and just wrote out 7 pages for my Lit essay that was due today. I really shouldn’t procrastinate but at the same time, I felt really confident I was going to be okay. It definitely isn’t an ‘A’ paper, but I’m actually really proud of myself for somehow managing to get it done on time.
Everything’s going to be fine. Life feels like a living hell right now, with everything on top of everything. I’m going to pull straight ‘B’s this quarter, but I’ll be okay with that. Crew means a lot to me and I knew from the beginning my first quarter grades were going to go to shit.
Even so, I’m just happy. I’m happy I love the team and I especially love the girls I live with. I spend time with people who make me happy, even on bad days when Sean and I don’t get along or I have a shitty practice.
I love my classes, even though I’m not doing so well. I’m so thankful for Kishi who reminds me of my Dad when I go in for office hours. I’m so happy Daniel doesn’t make me feel stupid when he tutors me. I love the small phone calls I have with my Mommy because even when she drives me insane, I know she loves me very much.
Bring it on Week 9!
Today at the Historical Fair back at home, I met a Native American lady who told me I had a beautiful engaging personality. I was so happy to hear such kind words, it was exactly what I needed to hear. She continued to tell me that no matter what I chose to do, I would be amazing at it. Before I left, she gave me a hug.
On Saturday, Forrest told me I was definitely improving at coxing.
It’s Week 8. Pretty much about the time I start freaking out about everything but these encouraging words help make everything worth it.
I felt so overwhelmed today, I just didn’t know where to start with anything.
During practice, I did the intensity workout. AKA, screaming at the guys while they erged. Someone yelled at me for not being loud enough above the booming speaker music and erg noises. By the time first session was done, I was dead tired from screaming, the guys were dead tired for erging. AJ was suppose to take the second session but Zack told me I needed to do it.
So round 2, I went all out. I didn’t even realize how loud I was screaming until 30 second paddle hit and my voice was completely gone. Ty apologized for yelling at me, which made me lol because I totally didn’t even notice. Then later the guys asked me to break off the cheer which always makes me unbelievably happy. UCSD CREW ON 2! 1! 2! UCSD CREW!!!!!
I love it, I love the way practices make me feel. I wish the only thing I could worry about was crew and getting better at coxing.
Speaking of Zack, he’s our team captain and I feel like I’ve known him before. The second I saw him, I knew he had to be the captain of the team. I’m pretty sure it’s because Zack reminds me of Daniel Hurst.
Super, freaking, fucking happy.